oh yes oh yes
Funny how we find ourselves in places we don't expect on the road of life. To me the whole idea of "finding" ones self implys that you loose track at some point...to me, this is quite consistent with territory that you may not expect. Still, it catches me off guard just like the next guy. I am Happily married, I have several cool jobs which I love, and all of my needs are taken care of. But I find myself thinking. Drifting, as it were, into areas of thought that seem strange to me. Resentment. Bitterness. Several years ago I entered audult life as a certain person with hopes, dreams, and a sense of Identity. What happened to that person, I wonder? For I am not he. This is how it is meant to be. But the separation between these two distinct identities brings a very startling contrast to the foreground of my life-scape. Who am I now? I enjoy many aspects of being this person...it is after all who I am. But some things are missing, yes, and I really don't think they will ever be a part again. Is this the natural course of things? I wonder.
I find myself easily angered at some things. Impassioned idealism, that tends to get me riled up...sort of. Is it a reaction because I am a passioned-idealist? Is it because I once was that way and got burned because of it? Im sensitve about things in my life. I have made alot of choices. Thats seems to be what life is in a way, an endless string of choices that must be made, each of which determining the outcome of ones minutes. I dont feel good about all of the choices that I have made. I cant change that. There are others who also do not feel good about many of those choices. My initial reaction to them is "fuck you!" Yes. Why? Because I cant change them. I feel the impact of them far more than they do (oh, yeah, right, its MY fucking life, remember?), and I have to LIVE with the reality of them everyday. I think about them EVERYDAY. In my face. You think this is fitting? Go eat shit and die. I don't care. Were you there with supernatural knowledge of the futre trying to help me when I had to make some of the most life-altering decisions that I have ever had to make that tore pieces of my soul out that I will never get back? No? Than who the fuck are you to sit in judgement over the choices that I have made? I live with all the things that I have been through and am trying to be changed, and make the best decisions that I can make, as always. Honestly. I hate it when people talk to me saying one thing, while their tone and eyes are saying something else. Something they are attempting to hide but cannot. What is it, I ask? Dissapproval? Disinterest? I don't know. It feels like distance...deep separation.
Show me whats real. Not a fucking metaphysical bullshit "I WANT this to be real" or " I BELIVE this to be real" show me the fucking money. I have believed so many things in my life, only to find that they had no real meaning in this life. Show me whats real, and then I will believe.
I find myself easily angered at some things. Impassioned idealism, that tends to get me riled up...sort of. Is it a reaction because I am a passioned-idealist? Is it because I once was that way and got burned because of it? Im sensitve about things in my life. I have made alot of choices. Thats seems to be what life is in a way, an endless string of choices that must be made, each of which determining the outcome of ones minutes. I dont feel good about all of the choices that I have made. I cant change that. There are others who also do not feel good about many of those choices. My initial reaction to them is "fuck you!" Yes. Why? Because I cant change them. I feel the impact of them far more than they do (oh, yeah, right, its MY fucking life, remember?), and I have to LIVE with the reality of them everyday. I think about them EVERYDAY. In my face. You think this is fitting? Go eat shit and die. I don't care. Were you there with supernatural knowledge of the futre trying to help me when I had to make some of the most life-altering decisions that I have ever had to make that tore pieces of my soul out that I will never get back? No? Than who the fuck are you to sit in judgement over the choices that I have made? I live with all the things that I have been through and am trying to be changed, and make the best decisions that I can make, as always. Honestly. I hate it when people talk to me saying one thing, while their tone and eyes are saying something else. Something they are attempting to hide but cannot. What is it, I ask? Dissapproval? Disinterest? I don't know. It feels like distance...deep separation.
Show me whats real. Not a fucking metaphysical bullshit "I WANT this to be real" or " I BELIVE this to be real" show me the fucking money. I have believed so many things in my life, only to find that they had no real meaning in this life. Show me whats real, and then I will believe.
posted by Shaihulud at 6:05 pm
3 Comments:
Do you remember reading "The Horse and His Boy" as a child?
There is a scene where Shasta is wandering aimlessly in the dark; lost, lonely, and afraid. The further he travels, the more depressed he becomes about his situation. He feels that everything has gone right for everyone but himself. He has started to cry when he senses a presence nearby.
He suddenly realizes there is huge creature walking along side him.
The creature says to him “tell me your sorrows.”
Shasta pours out his heart, his hurt; all the times when he felt lonely or afraid or disillusioned or felt like he was being tormented by the various lions that seemed to pursue him throughout his journey.
The creature then tells Shasta the real story of his travels… about the lions in the forest, the lion at the tombs, and the lion outside the hermit's gates… they were all the same lion he says.
What Shasta thought were attacks meant to bring him harm, was actually the pursuit of THE Lion wanting to save him from real destruction by pushing him further than he would ever have been able to go on his own and into a place of safety and laying hold of his true destiny.
Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it didn’t make sense. Sometimes it was downright scary. But the Lion was always there; every step of the journey; watching over Him; and willing to pursue Shasta so that he would move forward to a better place, a safer place, a place of promise for himself and the people connected to him.
Brother, there is Someone pursing you.
He wants you to “tell Him your sorrows” so He can speak the truth of where He has been during your entire journey. Hear the way He has always been there, in every situation, pursuing you, making a way for you, even when it hurt so badly or seemed like you were moving in a fog or going the completely wrong direction.
I know you long for something real, something tangible, and the years of disappointment have stripped your soul of all hope.
But if you can’t believe any of this for yourself, I will believe it for you: God has brought you too far and thru too much for Him to leave you hanging now.
And just think: the greater the destiny of a person, the more battles they face along the way.
You sir, must have an incredible destiny.
I love you.
You are where you are and no one can dare to say they know that place and yet tell you to be happy.
That, you're right, no one has any right to do.
We who love you talk in these terms of spirit...because as well as you love every sci-fi and fantasy book you put your hands on, as well as you love every story I told when we were children...it is spirit that you are and something more then just hands and feet.
There is a reality that must be lived.
Our hearts and our spirits can be dull, so dull. We violently reach for ground though adrift in the ocean.
The desert is where we learn to long for longing. Even if we are disalussioned. And deeply furious. And so bitter we cannot sleep or eat. And scoffing, mocking, condescending. To long for longing is the first step.
To live here, happy and awake, requires a journey of purpose. And to Believe has real, every day decisions. Not metaphorical shit. Not illusions or lofty ideas without bearing or weight. To be a Jew is to be a Jew, every day. To be a Believer is to be a Believer, every day. All things flow from it. And it is good. It's practical. It's applicable. It's reality. And so maybe the tablet of your heart needs to be re-written. That can be done by the hand that moved upon the wall.
Fight to long for longing. It's the place we start.
When our hearts are fractured by having watched words fall meaningless to the ground...it's time to open our eyes to our own smallness and long. To be purposed. To know there is one who wept, trembled, and groaned with desire. He still groans. People get hung up on Jesus because the pharisees of our day and age tell of us a man so flimsy and useless, so familiar that it breeds contempt. So rip apart the scabs from eyes. Fire and a tender heart come with the asking. There is power in no other name. If that name has freed you, it would do well to inquire after to whom it belongs.
Don't be bottled, Daniel.
The Lord is your judge. Do you understand what that means? It means that He judges you! And do you know what His judgment on sin is? Freedom. Do you know what His judgment on death is? Life. Do you know what His judgment on sorrow is? Laughter. Do you know what His judgment on sickness is? Health.
Read about Daniel. About a heart that studied David and the prophet Jeremiah. Read about David.
Be curious. Don't let the watered down foolishness of our world deceive your heart. There is strength in the word that no other word has. And it is life. And you will be glad in it. You will.
Hey, send us your prophecy.
love you.
yes, we are in Kansas City. we weep and we groan and we find the scabs falling from our own eyes. And yes. Everyone is required to come. So we can DO what we are meant to DO.
you write lovely things for me. not just pretty - they carry weight. your eyes see things. your hands bring healing. and you are valued - not alone for these things you do - no, but for who you are: who you have always been, and who you are yet to be. and who you are right now. we are all becoming. and we have not yet become. but in this place of change, we are already beautiful.
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