Horcruxes
This unholy night finds me numb again
Trapped indulging my addictions
Sear it all away.
No cigarettes or illicit substances comfort me now
Laid bare my pain in all its glory…
What little there is left of it anyhow.
Oh these clever machinations I worked against myself
Deception after deception
Who told these wicked lies? Surely not I…
Tonight my soul itches
Dragon scales, far to many layers though I scratch myself raw
Anger. Vanity.
Pondering eloquence I search for meaning in the morbid emptiness that once housed my greatest joys and deepest fears now ringing with the hollow emptiness I replaced them with. Piece by ruined piece I broke off my soul only to find now there is little left for anyone but disillusionment and jaded cynicism. Sanity threatens to sweep everything away as reality rattles at the window. The unmasked killer lying dead on the floor as I stare at my reflection drowning in cliché not lifting a finger. I have searched and I have searched for truth, and for meaning, and I came up empty. I had no idea who the hell I was or what I was supposed to do here on this earth, but everyone kept saying that they saw so much in me, I had to figure it all out for my fucking self. Never been able to make a decision to save my life and all the while I’m screaming “YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!!!” as it falls on deaf ears. Just never was good enough, had to KNOW oh yes had to “trust God” and then hear from him and be decisive. I never heard shit…then I thought I did, and I got one chance to find out if everything that they said, everything that I believed in was for real, and I gave it all up because I can’t stand up for myself…hell, I gave it up for love. But it broke me. Fucking broke me in two. I gave up all my dreams that day and I didn’t even know it. Broke of another chunk…not much left now…just shadows really.
Trapped indulging my addictions
Sear it all away.
No cigarettes or illicit substances comfort me now
Laid bare my pain in all its glory…
What little there is left of it anyhow.
Oh these clever machinations I worked against myself
Deception after deception
Who told these wicked lies? Surely not I…
Tonight my soul itches
Dragon scales, far to many layers though I scratch myself raw
Anger. Vanity.
Pondering eloquence I search for meaning in the morbid emptiness that once housed my greatest joys and deepest fears now ringing with the hollow emptiness I replaced them with. Piece by ruined piece I broke off my soul only to find now there is little left for anyone but disillusionment and jaded cynicism. Sanity threatens to sweep everything away as reality rattles at the window. The unmasked killer lying dead on the floor as I stare at my reflection drowning in cliché not lifting a finger. I have searched and I have searched for truth, and for meaning, and I came up empty. I had no idea who the hell I was or what I was supposed to do here on this earth, but everyone kept saying that they saw so much in me, I had to figure it all out for my fucking self. Never been able to make a decision to save my life and all the while I’m screaming “YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!!!” as it falls on deaf ears. Just never was good enough, had to KNOW oh yes had to “trust God” and then hear from him and be decisive. I never heard shit…then I thought I did, and I got one chance to find out if everything that they said, everything that I believed in was for real, and I gave it all up because I can’t stand up for myself…hell, I gave it up for love. But it broke me. Fucking broke me in two. I gave up all my dreams that day and I didn’t even know it. Broke of another chunk…not much left now…just shadows really.
posted by Shaihulud at 3:49 am
1 Comments:
there is hope for shadows yet. i don't know where or how. but if there wasn't hope i wouldn't still be breathing. i heard the voice of God once, in another world. and there was hope in it.
i hear a voice now, sometimes, at night. i don't know whose voice it is, but as long as it is kind and comforting, i'll let it keep speaking.
the thought of smoking makes me feel sick unless i'm freaking out, in which case it is the only thing i've found that can calm me. funny, isn't it? but lately i've been depressed more than freaking out, and depressed doesn't qualify for a smoke. usually.
love is a crazy thing. i dread it now - mine having been unrequited and unknown both times...
i need the shadows sometimes.
don't let it escape your attention that shadows, and great worms, and small boys are greatly needed and dearly loved.
Post a Comment
<< Home