Reasons Why
Its almost 3:30 AM, yet I am without sleep. I find myself in the living room doing crunches and sit-ups. Why am I here? Perhaps it is because my schedule has been turned around due to my night-creature tendencies and general holiday bedlam. Maybe it is because I don’t sleep well at night. It’s a wonder that I worry about that here; there is a strange cloud that hangs over this apartment preventing me from fully realizing dreams. Bad, good, or indifferent all dreams are fuzzy and ill-remembered. It takes an especially powerful vision to rock this haze that surrounds me. But do I really wish to be rid of it? I rested at the house of another last night, and the nightmares came again. Not just the battle, the chasing, and fear of that which lies beneath. The sorrow. The injustice. That which is so fundamentally wrong that it is far worse than being chased for hours upon end by a terrible specter. I dreamed of a dear friend being sentenced to die FOR NO GOOD REASON!!! She was to be incinerated…dumped into a crucible full of molten iron. Bound and carried on a conveyor belt into the foundry she was helpless. I watched as though it was a movie and I too was helpless. Oh the RAGE. The screaming in my head. My bitter cries that this was WRONG, that she was pure…these went unheard. There were no powers to stop this horrible scene playing out in slow motion, and incredible detail before me. As she neared the crucible I saw how it was to open and she was to fall in. With everything inside of me I screamed for this to change. As she fell, I was amazed to see that she fell not within the iron, but onto a small ferry in the sea beneath that would carry her to shore. I awoke my heart pounding, sweat and tears on my face. I knew that it was a dream, and that it even had a surprise good ending (which never happens), but I could not shake my feelings of dread. I love her. I think that I see her sometimes in a way that no others do…she is so vulnerable. In my frantic protestations as I dreamt I could not stop thinking “she is only a girl. A beautiful, lonely, girl. This misfortune cannot befall her.” It would take pages more to truly describe the play of emotions that transpired as this scene took place, but I feel that this description shall suffice. It is unfortunately these dreams that keep me awake at night. Manny think that I am an insomniac because I am such a busy person but this is not so. I avoid sleep like the plague because it has lost all comfort to me…like a memory of summer devoid of sunshine or green grass. My dreams are haunted by death and torment of those whom I love, myself being powerless to stop whatever may take place. My actions are futile, and always are met with failure. The triggers on my guns never work, bullets fall to the ground short of their mark, and my fists bounce off of enemies as they laugh. Fear pours like liquid ice within my thoughts as I am pursued by relentless beings of untold origin most vile. Demons and spirits combat me at every turn as the darkness crowds in from every angle. You pathetic Christians with your stupid cookie-cutter answers regarding more prayer, or scripture quotation, or knowing my identity in Christ hear this: When you have ridden with darkness on your shoulders revealing to you things that none should see, when they have planted thoughts in memories in your head that NO PERSON should ever have to bear, when they have tormented you day and night, when they have poisoned your thoughts, when they have taken over your actions and done with you what they will, when they have attempted to push you out so that they may use you as a tool most hideous and servile, and when you have felt the pain of their claws clinging desperately to your soul as they are ripped from you THEN my little children, perhaps THEN you will understand that while God may choose to bring freedom and heal wounds, some things can never be forgotten, nor can they be pushed away with any knowledge that you will ever possess. Perhaps then you might have something useful to say to me. Or at least something truly relevant. Until then, please, do not bother me with your well-intentioned but unfortunately meaningless spiritual-babble. I appreciate empathy, but don’t pretend that you speak from true life-experience or wisdom that can bring me some kind of hope. Don’t flatter yourselves to think that you know what I need to “do” to make everything better. Do you seriously think that I am idle as this goes on, taking no thought for the purposes of God within this? I tread my own path as we all must. Compared to most I consider myself quite fortunate that I have so light a cross to bear as of yet. Sleep well little ones.
posted by Shaihulud at 3:58 am
4 Comments:
my dear brother - i don't know that i have anything to say, yet still i feel the urge to speak. meaningless words, quite likely, still they pour forth unbidden. i will not say that i feel any measure of your pain, for that would be far from the truth. i feel my own pain. i face my own hell - one of darkness, confusion, and doubt. sometimes in my quiet desperation, i wonder how it is that i maintain any semblance of life. sometimes i see no hope, no future - only futile existence. sometimes the sun bursts its warmth and light through a break in these ominous clouds, but only for a moment it seems, and once more all is obscured in shadow. i wish i could end with a silver lining to all this storm and stress. but though each smile, word, touch from you or any other of my brothers and sisters (and by this i refer only to those that i truly consider family) can momentarily lighten the weight on my soul, always i return to this lonely haze. always i return alone. i always say (at least to myself), "if it's easy, it isn't real." at least by this rule i know we aren't fake. in the end, my words ring hollow in my ears. i can only hope that such is not entirely the case. perhaps in five years i shall read this and think it ridiculous. but all i can see for now is where i am and where i have been - where i go has yet to be revealed.
Indeed your words ring true. I was in a rather...irritated state of mind when I wrote those words out of frustration. I did not mean to abase or push anyone away, and I thank you for your true-hearted care. I know that I am not alone in struggles like these. There are simply some with whom I do not get along well ideologically, and I think my rant was aimed in that direction after a while. I do have hope, and every day I face brings new challenges and rewards. There are simply dark moments as you have spelled out...and I spoke from one of them. I think that sometimes we need to speak out of the darkness. To deny its existence negates any abillity to overcome it. I too find comfort in family. Kansas city HOO RAH!!!
i know....to some degree, it was my darkness that i spoke out of as well.
You are all amazing... so often I feel like no one around me actually knows Jesus near to as closely as I do. They just don't act like it. Then I come across blogs, or conversations and find people who have brought God their deepest darkness and trust him with it. It is good to hear. It makes me really want to go deeper than I thought possible. To not let myself get bored with Christianity.
Post a Comment
<< Home