oh yes oh yes

Funny how we find ourselves in places we don't expect on the road of life. To me the whole idea of "finding" ones self implys that you loose track at some point...to me, this is quite consistent with territory that you may not expect. Still, it catches me off guard just like the next guy. I am Happily married, I have several cool jobs which I love, and all of my needs are taken care of. But I find myself thinking. Drifting, as it were, into areas of thought that seem strange to me. Resentment. Bitterness. Several years ago I entered audult life as a certain person with hopes, dreams, and a sense of Identity. What happened to that person, I wonder? For I am not he. This is how it is meant to be. But the separation between these two distinct identities brings a very startling contrast to the foreground of my life-scape. Who am I now? I enjoy many aspects of being this person...it is after all who I am. But some things are missing, yes, and I really don't think they will ever be a part again. Is this the natural course of things? I wonder.

I find myself easily angered at some things. Impassioned idealism, that tends to get me riled up...sort of. Is it a reaction because I am a passioned-idealist? Is it because I once was that way and got burned because of it? Im sensitve about things in my life. I have made alot of choices. Thats seems to be what life is in a way, an endless string of choices that must be made, each of which determining the outcome of ones minutes. I dont feel good about all of the choices that I have made. I cant change that. There are others who also do not feel good about many of those choices. My initial reaction to them is "fuck you!" Yes. Why? Because I cant change them. I feel the impact of them far more than they do (oh, yeah, right, its MY fucking life, remember?), and I have to LIVE with the reality of them everyday. I think about them EVERYDAY. In my face. You think this is fitting? Go eat shit and die. I don't care. Were you there with supernatural knowledge of the futre trying to help me when I had to make some of the most life-altering decisions that I have ever had to make that tore pieces of my soul out that I will never get back? No? Than who the fuck are you to sit in judgement over the choices that I have made? I live with all the things that I have been through and am trying to be changed, and make the best decisions that I can make, as always. Honestly. I hate it when people talk to me saying one thing, while their tone and eyes are saying something else. Something they are attempting to hide but cannot. What is it, I ask? Dissapproval? Disinterest? I don't know. It feels like distance...deep separation.

Show me whats real. Not a fucking metaphysical bullshit "I WANT this to be real" or " I BELIVE this to be real" show me the fucking money. I have believed so many things in my life, only to find that they had no real meaning in this life. Show me whats real, and then I will believe.