blurring all the lines after lies are spoken, coming back to haunt you the promises broken
that you made, should have stayed, should have got up and played
but this pain that keeps throbbing and cannot be stayed
rules all, darkness falls, as we're stripped of devotion
don't believe, anything, given birth from emotion
time slows as it goes, restless feet never show
the great pause as it falters, and it drips down the alter
where we sacrifice life, giving in to the strife
its a sick sick sick thing that we do in the dark
but we smile as we meet, drinking coffee in the street
feel it all come down, drowning what little remains of our souls.

Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out.
It doesn't matter much to me.

Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever.

No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low.
That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right.
That is I think it's not too bad.

Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Always no sometimes think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream.
I think, er No, I mean, er Yes but it's all wrong.
That is I think I disagree.

Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever.
Strawberry Fields forever.
Strawberry Fields forever.

A Continuation

I hate minds that are closed to understanding because they believe they already posses it. If you believe that you truly understand something, how can you ever possibly be open to discovering the truth? Its not even on your screen because you can't conceive it. You can't think it or feel it. It just doesn't exist for you.

Condescending attitudes are especially frustrating to me. If I'm told my whole life that the sky is full of stars at night, but that I should NEVER under any circumstances actually LOOK at the sky to verify that the stars are actually there, how do I even know that its true? What if the sky is an empty blackness? What if there is no sky at all? Can I at least be allowed the courage to look up and see if in fact the stars are staring back at me?

It is this fundamental misunderstanding that has me so angry at the moment. Condemnation coming from a world view that can't even comprehend where I am in my head and heart. Anyone who can say in passing that they have legitimately contemplated the horror of their own existence, and are at peace with life have either never done such a thing at all, or posses some quality internally that I do not.

I'm looking to find what my heart is seeking, and my heart is seeking truth. No matter how ugly, I am seeking what is ACTUALLY real. Not what people would hypothetically postulate to be real. Not what they would like to real. Just that which is. Why? Because there is nothing else. Absolutely nothing else. Anyone who says differently is delusional. Period. Is it all in your mind? If its something that no matter how much you can reason, explain, and be sincere about what you BELIEVE to be true, if its just in your head...man come on. Look around you. THIS is life. No matter what you believe this is the ONLY arena that you have any experiential knowledge of. The stuff that you make up in your head about what you think could be, that stuff that nobody can prove, observe, quantify, that stuff that would never just occur whether you were there to make it up or not...bullshit baby.

You are a complex arrangement of matter that no can even begin to explain in a cognitive way. But thats it. You expect to experience something "other" in life? You have a culture containing ideas about what you can encounter in life? Do you believe in things that you would never even have any conception of unless you had somehow been told? Then you will encounter these things in life. You create your own perception of reality. Is it what is ultimately real? Is it all real to anyone else? Not really, no. But that does not invalidate it as your life experience. Just please, stop trying to force your little life-interpretation-bubble on everybody else. Stop thinking that you have the answers. You have the answers that, whether you know it or not, are the right ones for you that satisfy the intense and brutal reality of being a mortal.

You will blink out into oblivion happy because you have beliefs that tell you eternity as a conscious entity awaits you. At least when you enter total non-being and cease to exist you won't be around to be pissed off that you lived your life preparing for something that was never real to begin with.

No no, really.

Impassioned idealists like to tell people that they are so close to the truth, they have only to believe that certain things are true because they just are and should therefore be believed. Insistence. Persistence. The obsequious nagging answer at the end of the phone call.

"Hello, you see the truth is that absolutely no one knows the truth about these things. We all just have beliefs that we hold to be true, nay, we believe that we know what truth is. But it is in fact all the same in its entirety: We don't know for certain. No one does. We simply choose to believe that we know. We choose to believe that what we think is the truth IS in fact the truth. Because if no one knows, it is entirely a choice. That is why there is Faith. Its ALL in the realm of that which has no answer, yet there are ever so many choices to be made, all of them at the tips of our minds and hearts just waiting to be the one that we believe."

So what is it gonna be? You roll your dice, you move your mice, nobody gets hurt. Yes? Hmm...well, ma bey. I just don't know. Its hard to tell you see with all this damned noise. In my head you know. Well, ma bey you don't. We don't talk about it much.

We like the dark we like the dark we like the dark we like the dark we like the dark we like the dark we like the dark. It makes a lot of the pain seem less real...helps to regress to times when there wasn't all of this pressure in my skull. The incessant movement of time trying so hard to convince its victems that it moves in a straight line from which they cannot escape. Perhaps one of its best kept secrets. Do you believe? You think you do. In fact, you are so convinced that what you believe is actually the truth that you have interpreted everything written here under the misunderstanding that you actually know what I'm talking about, and that you could even help me if I would just accept the truth in the things that you believe. No? You see, you don't realize that you made a choice not to be able to understand any of this.

Perhaps, you will at some point see that I am not antagonistic to your point of view. You might, at some point, even realize that I am so much closer to agreeing with you than you think that it might just cause a momentary cessation of your urinary sphincters functioning. Its just that, you really, really don't understand what I am actually trying to work through. Nor do I require you to. Don't you think I would have given up on you by now? Been so horribly frustrated that I simply exploded on you like an over ripe Mellon violently escaping a picnic table? No no. I don't want you to understand me, or what I am going through. I want you to understand yourself.

A collection of totally unrelated scribblings

Stop to run away
Fading as the light of day
Slowly passes out
Beyond my grasp

Reflected like a memory
The haunting colors
Blues and greens
Voices echo words from long ago

Dancing in the hidden places
Far away from prying faces
Still there lives a remnant
Of the Golden Days of Old





I, flee the emptiness inside
Seek, to twist the hands of time
Back, in loneliness to find
Darkness




Linger over memories long forgotten
First loves kiss so innocently given
Meandering, my desire passes here
Remembering you.
Everything you were is more than who you are,
But I was lost...so lost in Blue
Radiant Blue clutching my heart
It still races at the thought of you




Word fly, words fail, words leave a bloody trail
Oracle oracle on the wall
Prophesy endings, so frail as you fall
Contextual crises, condolences come
Paradigms shift while conundrums run

I ran out of meds. It's been four days. I think I am loosing my mind. This is far worse than when I was getting on them and my body was trying to adjust. See, at that time I just felt like I didn't give a shit, and maybe I was as depressed as they said I was. But this...yeah, this is an entirely different animal. It's possibly the way that shit feels when it's about to be squeezed out of your lower intestine. I'm freaking out. I hate everything. I'm anxious about everything. I feel sick about everything. I can't think about anything but I can't stop thinking. I hope that it ends soon.

olp

Take these plastic people
Read their lips, now let it linger
Is there anything that makes them sound sincere?
C'mon
Tightly hold your hand
Take a deep breath, give them the finger
Are you worried
That your thoughts are not quite clear?
(Twitch)
Overlooked, unfit appearance


I remember falling
I remember marching
Like a one man army
Through the blaze
I know I'm coughing
I believe in something
I don't want to remember falling
For your lies

Unbutton your clothes
Undress your soul, show them your vigor
Are those inhibitions easiest to fear?
C'mon
Take this gasoline tin
Head up high, walk like a winner
Let the bare feet be the last sounds that they hear
(Twitch)
Overlooked, unfit appearance


Crawling
I remember falling
I remember marching
Like a one man army
Through the blaze
I know I'm coughing
I believe in something
I don't want to remember falling
I remember crawling
Through the ways
I know I'm falling
I remember marching
I don't want to remember falling
I don't want to remember falling
For their lies

Drugs and hyperventilating
Everybodys Masturbating
Socks and shoes and getting High
Everybody's gonna die

Slow down, nothing that you do can change it
Melt down, all your hopes and dreams are faded

Pictures paper plastic dolls
Candy-coated sewer walls
Nuts and bolts and getting old
Now you've gotta pay the toll

Slow down, nothing that you do can change it
Melt down, all your hopes and dreams are faded

It's all the same, these lies in my brain
I'm sick and afraid, of this world that I've made
Won't somebody tell me, that I can go home?
I just want to go home

Decks and wrecks and suicide
Everybody wonders why
Dumping ashes in the sea
No one here but fish and me

Slow down, nothing you can do will change it
Melt down, all your hopes and dreams have faded

It's all the same, lies in my brain
I'm sick and afraid, of this world that I've made
Won't somebody tell me, that I can go home?
I just want to go home.
I just want to go home.